I was nobody’s. .
And if I was, it was only for a little while.
I was somebody’s till her mistakes took her from me.
I was free, free to roam.
No hand to cuff me,
No tongue to lash me,
No rod to strike me.
It was what I thought I wanted..finally.
Daughter you are loose.
But I was no daughter,
I was no little girl..
I went about and left foot prints everywhere
They tried to clean after me.
Tried to warn me but
How dare you?
Who told you I could be tamed?
Can’t you see how well I am doing?
They left me..
I thanked them.
She twitched at the thought of a little girl
All alone, afraid with no one to run too
She hurt just thinking of it.
Whose baby girl?
Let her come to me..
No I will go to her
She will need my hands
She will need my tongue
She will need my rod
She will need my love.
I won’t spare her a mother’s touch,
She is not mine but she is mine.
And there she went.
I was desperate. .
Time was leaving me behind.
I needed a quick fix..
Someone to keep me, maybe more I wished.
Just a little while and then I will have wings..I won’t be nobody’s liability .I’ll fly, alone
But till then, here she comes.
She doesn’t know who I am
And later I will learn that I didn’t either.
No one is this kind these days, how is it that stranger will take in stranger with no question? With no expectation..
I was not sure of this sudden interest..I wasn’t sure how to respond to this kindness.
But life didn’t give me choice so.
I will accept her.
I had to ask her why?
Why are you doing this?
She smiled first, her hands on wheel.
“It is what Jesus would have done.”,
It was the only answer I could understand.
I don’t know why but she seemed more excited than I was..
I was excited yes but the thought of the unknown, it hung around me.
But I was glad, somewhere to finally call home.
I loved her comfort but
I was afraid it will not last.
It was something to say ..I am going home.
It meant everything to me.
I could say Mum again..I could even play big sister.
She did not restrict me to my space, she gave me hers.
Then she started seeing the black spots on me,
Oh what is this on my baby girl?
I must remove this before it spreads..
I don’t have any spots, what are you doing?
You are mistaken Mum..I thought she must be seeing wrong.
Why was she not seeing the real me.
Why, nothing is wrong with me..I don’t have to change.
This is not why I am here..
She did not get put off by my resistance
She gave me a heart without wondering if I would I break It
She gave me her home without thinking I will mess it up
She gave me her skills without caring if I would cherish it
I did not.
She gave me her hard earned resources without assuming I will waste it
She gave me her Love and I didn’t believe in it.
She gave me her tongue and I didn’t take those words seriously.
What more could she give that will make me see.
There was nothing left.
So she gave me her silence.
And even that did not move me.
I tried to see..I tried. .
I didn’t try enough.
I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry
I am no daughter.
I want to be
Can’t you see..after all I call you Mother.
I will change a little. .
And it will give her hope
And right after that I will break her again.
We were hurting. ..
She..because she had a different plan for me and it was not working.
I too because she wouldn’t let me be mediocre.
We were tired..
It had been a long journey
We couldn’t see a good end.
She tried one more time..
Because I was constantly trying to scratch at every instruction…every sermon, every thing that had to come from a Mother.
You can’t imagine how hard it is for a mother to let her child go
But I was no child.
It didn’t take her little strength to let go.
She was hoping that I will see how bad I was
She was hoping that I will cling to her and say no..I won’t go..I can’t go..
You’re my mother and I have no one else.
She wouldn’t let me go..she wouldn’t if I did. .I just know it..that’s how they are..Mothers.
But I was too tired to fall down,
I was to tired to bend my knees and be broken and beg.
To be sorry..I was too tired
I cried out, but it was more of the hurt I felt, the pride that had been shattered. .
I should have cried out to her, I should have held her, I should have stayed..I wanted to stay. .but it wasn’t for her,
I wanted to stay for myself,
I wanted to stay because once again. .life didn’t give me choice.
I walked away.
It must have been the way He had been planned it..I decieved myself.
She watched me go..
But I’m going. .
I didn’t come back..
I was hurt and so blind.
I thought oh..how unfair that this should happen to me, I did what I thought was right.
In the process of time.
I grew a little older and
I began to miss those hands
I had no tongue to lash me,
But it didn’t make me free
It crippled me.
For I thought I was going somewhere
But indeed I wasn’t. .I was stuck on the island of independence. I was alone
And for once I didn’t like alone.
Mum I was a jerk
Everything wrong is within me.
Good Shepherd you were..
I was just lost..
I am an emotional wreck
But I’m sorry I never showed you how I feel..
I’m sorry I thought you were attacking me when you were trying to mend my wounds.
I’m so sorry..I didn’t trust you..
I didn’t love you…
I didn’t love you and I know I could…
I’m sorry I trusted my mind more than your words..
I am breaking. .
I see no good end if I don’t just be your child, that baby girl..
I may not be ready but I am willing to be.
I want to…
She still hopes for me
She’s still waiting on her desk.
She’s still full of love..she’s still thinking of that baby girl.
She’s still saying she’s not mine but she is mine.
She’s waiting for me
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