For a week or more, I was without him in a way because I was too sick.
You see I had come from a high mountain, and I sank low on my way down. It was not the lowest I have been, but still a great fall.
I think he allowed it to happen so I can feel both worlds so close. The first world with him where everything doesn’t make sense but you’re happy and at peace and in love with him, willing to do his bidding because you love him.
And there’s the other world where you are ruled by your senses and your emotions, and basically everything is wrong.
I stayed here missing the other, and I
had the most selfish thoughts.
I was gonna give up on God’s people.
I wanted people to give to me. I stopped thinking of my obligations to them.
I was sick of it so I went for a walk. I started talking out loud and complaining of course. I do these things,talking out loud to myself, but then these counter thoughts started opposing my selfish ones
” You complain that there isn’t any one person in the world right now obligated to do anything for you, not one person you will ask to do something for you, and it will be done without it being a miracle or perhaps you falling ill.”
I was pissed, well before now, but suddenly I started to think in the reverse
What have I done for these ones? What are my obligations to them?
Have I given them my substance, my love,my care, my money, my shoulder,whatever.
I couldn’t answer, I am a selfish bitch after all.
I smile, I remember you told us to think this way, What can I give? Not what can they give me?
And then I remembered the prayers about wisdom being thoughts and how they are spirits.
I didn’t pray or cast out any devil, I conversed with myself and my thoughts were reversed.
I felt so miserable, heavy when I wanted or agreed no one did anything for me or as much, but now I feel light. I am not lying. You know like a better person.
I am looking forward to giving; my arms, my words, my money, yes that one that easily hooks on, I will let it go.
And oh my support, I have much to give and oh it’s not for me, its for them and you too.
Suddenly they are not the nonchalant, the I don’t care, the I can’t help you, the I can’t come now, they are my I have something to give you people, they are my I want to help you people, I want you to have this people.
I can help you people, they are my plants, I’m gonna water everyday. I’ll watch them grow and flourish and that will be my reward, nothing else.