‘You really should walk, that weight is not going to burn itself.’
‘I’m well aware’, I snap back.
I pick up my bag and walk, even though I know it’s not going to make a difference, I’ll always be fat.
I can’t stand it when she’s so blind, she can’t see I don’t want to talk to her, not today girl. Just shut your mouth, let me be, but I nod to her persistent questions, and give some petulant hmms, maybe she will stop, but she doesn’t stop.
Someone moved my scarf, it’s not exactly how I draped it on my bed. My bed is my bubble, don’t touch it, don’t burst it. I’m raging at such a minor displacement, but it’s not minor to me, it’s my peace, but instead of filing a complaint, I gently place my scarf exactly where it was and I am pacified.
I want to shout, I want to put them in their place, I want to say something witty and utterly rude, I want to show I can be mad too, I do, in my head. I find myself saying nothing, doing nothing, it’s what I’ve been doing for months now. Nothing satisfying, nothing edifying. I’ve never been this empty.
‘Will you go for the meeting?’
I say nothing, I’m not going anywhere, I hate the meetings and the people with their accusing eyes. I hate that no one sees my soul becoming dark.
I’ve been lying here, looking at my laptop, the screen is too bright, so I make it dim, I can’t stand the bright light, it’s almost as if it’s trying to see through my dark mind.
I’ve been watching this new series I’m in love with, drinking my black tea, I’m happy. I forget all the things and slowly when the music at the end of the episode starts to play, I remember, so I click on the next episode, when I hear the theme song, all my thoughts are drowned, till I fall asleep.
I’m not ready for another lambasting today, I just want some quiet and peace.
I don’t have a strong support system, nobody cares, nobody has my back.
I’m not that bad, actually I am, why won’t they see the good in me.
I’m not good enough, that’s why he stopped talking to me, that’s why she’s ignoring me.
Even when I asked and pleaded, I was a fool, a crying fool, it didn’t make any change.
I unlock my phone, I see all the messages, all from group chats, not one person texted except for devotionals, something I always ignore. I hate that no one is checking on me, but I love it too, I don’t have to answer uninteresting people.
It’s work to talk to people, everyone is so boring and overbearing and insensitive
I don’t enjoy this anymore, except when he speaks to us, then all these thoughts freeze, but right after I don’t want to stay. I can’t bare to stay, I want to leave, and go back to my perfect bubble where no one can hurt me.
I miss my family, I too have a mother, I’m not motherless, I have brothers, they’d fight for me. But deep down, I know it’s a lie, it’ll will be the same.
They all don’t want me.
‘And it’s your fault.’
Yes, it must be something I did.
I hate holidays, so alone, so far away from home.
I put in all my heart and what did I get, accusations, spears thrust in me, caution, cautious of me, me? an enemy, I was your friend, but it wasn’t enough.
I’m hurt, bitter, I’m a bitter widow, I married love and now love is dead. I hate ‘them’ for killing my love.
We never seem to know who them is.
She finally went for the meeting, not out of loyalty, but for her peace of mind. Immediately she got there, she didn’t want to be there, but she stayed.
Prayer was led, and words were said. Words that spoke to her, she didn’t want it to speak to her, but it wouldn’t stop. So she gave in and cried, hands were laid and all she could hear was one word. It stood out, hands were laid, some things came out.
She felt lighter, she could enjoy the food and the company after looking around and she saw that everyone was just like her, going through something, maybe worse than hers, but they were all here. They are all trying to win, and she had let herself be defeated.
After everything was over, I went back to my bubble and my phone
I go to Google Chrome and search for the one word DEPRESSION.
If you have been experiencing some of the following signs and symptoms most of the day, nearly every day, for at least two weeks, you may be suffering from depression:
- Persistent sad, anxious, or “empty” mood
- Feelings of hopelessness, or pessimism
- Feelings of guilt, worthlessness, or helplessness
- Loss of interest or pleasure in hobbies and activities
- Decreased energy or fatigue
- Moving or talking more slowly
- Feeling restless or having trouble sitting still
- Difficulty concentrating, remembering, or making decisions
- Difficulty sleeping, early-morning awakening, or oversleeping
- Appetite and/or weight changes
- Thoughts of death or suicide, or suicide attempts
- Aches or pains, headaches, cramps, or digestive problems without clear physical cause and/or that do not ease even with treatment
Google seems to get me more than I get myself. I cry, I’ll be crying like a fool.
Depression for the world is a mental disorder, depression for us is a spirit. That may not be cured with drugs but with the laying of hands, casting down of imaginations and thoughts, the name of Jesus, eating of his flesh and drinking his blood.
I was definitely fighting the spirit of irritation, sadness, emptiness, hopelessness, guilt, worthlessness, google pretty much sums it up.
I’m still fighting, sometimes I win, and sometimes it overwhelms me, and I have to cry my thoughts out, cast them, scourge them, kill them, I find I can do this when I talk to the Holy Spirit.
I’m still getting healed, I’m still rambling, sometimes my thoughts are put together. I’m learning to do the things I love again, I’m still in church, I’m still trying to be happy and to let go and forgive myself and others and oh to love again.
This time I will win, I won’t let it beat me, that’s what Beethoven said.
P.S I wrote this for people who are silently going through depression, don’t let it engulf you, destroy you, talk to God, those thoughts are mostly lies, some are your true mistakes, but God has forgiven you and forgotten.
Talk to him, he will heal you, and comfort you, join a good church today, they are the best support group, if you let them.